Calling

Have you ever felt like you know what you were meant to do, but you don't know how to go about getting there? You know God's purpose for you - your "calling" if you will - you just aren't patient enough to allow Him to work it out in His time?

I'm at this point in my life. For years upon years, I know the Lord has been preparing me - trial after trial, chipping away at the callousness that the world has forced me to grow, healing the brokenness that it has caused, molding me into what I am to become. I'm not going to lie - I've spent a good amount of this time running, telling God I'm not good enough, to use someone else. For I am worth nothing. I'm not even worth the breath it takes to say my name. But for some reason, the Lord saw worth in me. I don't understand it, can't comprehend it, but I don't think I'm meant to. All that I know - all the Lord NEEDS me to know - is that He has something greater for me...greater than I can imagine, so great, in fact, that my finite mind cannot contain it.

Now here would be the irony - this entire time I've been running, I've known. I've known that I am meant for greater things, but my flesh was unwilling to yield, I was not able to grow. God was not given ample room to mold me, to continue His work in me. No matter how much I knew my "calling", I would never admit it. If I did, in my mind, that would take away from teh mystery that is ME. If I admit that I am called to be used, I almost feel like it negates my calling.